lukas' internet diary of 2021


(december 25 2021, 4:04 am) this game is gonna get me to kill myself what the hell anyways meri kurisumasu ジングル•ベルが聞こえる


( december 10 2021, 10:28am) lacunosa town. yeah. pokemon black makes me so sad. reminds me of the times where i was happier as a kid. i didnt understand that we were poor, but i understood that if my ds broke i couldnt replace it. i took care of it and all of my games, but my black game had gotten broken by a kid at grade school. so i was devastated cause that was one of my favorites. recently though, about a year or so ago, i bought white (cause that was wwhat they had) and im very close to finishing it. after getting through route whatever i also reached undella town. it's winter so the music was sad. both lacunosa town and undella town make me sad, because i wish i was a kid again playing this game for the first time...

(november 18 2021, 3:50pm) here again ~~ im listening to the caretaker right now, really good ambience.,.. rigth after i wrote that sentence the album ended though~ so i guess pilotredsun stuff is now on~ whatevers.. i am just tired. i wanna start my comic. but i also need to finish a (months) late commission (i am so sorry chisei) because i want to open them up again because i want money... uuuugggghhhh.....! aaaahhhh... aha

(november 4 2021, 9:53am) wow have not been here for a long while. posting like once a month. maybe my senior year of high school (next year) i can take this site more seriously because ill have half days. i want to make my comic but i think ill just draw a lot of pictures of them instead (my ocs). i would upload more art but i really only use my school computer to update this site. and, the place where i like the size of my images (discord) is blocked on here lul.

i also kind of think i need more friends lol. because im getting a little more lonely lately. i kind of need to take a shit heh

my discord is neetsmegma#2232 ill probably reply immediately hahaaa

(october 22 2021, 8:27am) nobody wantt to talk to me about anything. making me question. do i have friends, if they dont trust me. is that friendship. dont know, lol. boyfriend and best friend dont even want to open up. so, aare they my friends. probably. but i dont like not knowing anything about the favorite people. realized too, that atually nobody wants to tell me anything. i guess, this situation, ignorance is not bliss. hair getting longer, and wanting to tie it up........for fun

also realized. they both can see this. so, ballsy. also kind of why i never write here, too afraid. more comfortable with strangers seeing into my brain instead of people i know

(september 12 2021, 10:41am) hair is getting long, down to the thoracic part of my spine... not that long, but still longer than ive had in a long long while. its grounding, refreshing. lukas had ugly short hair for the longest time because he was obsessed with being traditionally masculine but... boys can have longer hair... so im growing it out into a shag cut, kind of like kusakabe from doukyuusei... sigh, i wish my hair had anime physics all the time

(august 20 2021, 11:01pm) 2 days ago. was my boyfriends birthday, but also my friend sages one year death anniversary. its sad, how they killed themself so selfishly. they had a chemical imbalance though so the thoughts couldnt be stopped ha ha. raised a beautiful life only to have the brain rot you away. world is cruel, the good people die while the bad stay by their beds and live another day.of course im mad at the world, my beautiful people in my life are all going away from me.

today, also. is sages birthday. happy birthday , and i love you. i miss you i miss you a lot, youre always so nice to me, and i miss you

(august 6 2021, 11:41pm) i dont know who i am, what i should be. these questions shouldnt be answered, even. humans are cursed with the will to think like this. i dont want to think

i dont even want to be here anymore. i just want to be held, and embraced, by whatever death or the potential afterlife has to hand to me.

i want to see my friends again, all of them, please

(august 4 2020, 2:25pm) been a couple months, so sorry... today is the first day of school, so weird it started on a wednesday. i kind of stopped using neocities because i feel like it didnt matter... but when i get home i will upload some art ive made. today and tomorrow suck. tomorrow sucks because i have school and then work for 6 more hours, same as today. i dont want to be doing stuff for 14 hours straight... i want to chill out... i hope i faint on the job so i can go home early. maybe i will, especially since my anemia has been worse than usual. its lame, its all lame, and i miss my friends that werent here today

(july 1 2020, ) started the first day of my first job yesterday and when my trainer and i went on our break she was like "if u need me ill be outside hitting my vape" and i think its silly how people still vape in 2021. idk, i thought it was more like a meme than an actual problem, especially since vapes are pricey as shit. fun fact, my trainer turned out to be my moms friends stepdaughter, small world and smaller town

(june 24 2021, 3:26am) watching redo of healer is like going onto bestgore or liveleak and watching people get brutally fucking murdered in the worst ways. you know its fucked up but you cant stop watching. i am very unnerved after skipping thru redo of healer but thats one less thing on my list of 'potentially traumatizing anime/manga'. like, this shit was worse than emergence oh my god

why do i do this to myself...idk, yolo? desensitizing myself to my trauma? whatever it is, its fucked!!!!!!!!

(june 19 2021, 4:41am) double cirno

(june 18 2021, 2:05am) lukas is a good child that everyone loves. lukas is a good child, and bad things still always happen. lukas is still a child, did he ever properly grow up? he never properly grew up, it's a weird limbo of the forced maturity and repressed childhood. i just wish i was normal

(june 11 2021,) naw bcuz i feel like my pleas were um. very much heard. this morning i was just chilling out and then i got a notif that said howdie started following me on tumblr and i fr lost my mind in the good way i was stimming so hard it was the best ive felt in a while i started dry crying (sobbing but no tears). i guess this is my reason to not kms! i now have to live up to the expectations that cap may subconsciously have for me! i have to be even better than i already am because i want to impress my favorite artist ever... i have fr been a fan of them since 2017 (when i was a wee little 13 year old boy) and they actually noticed me.... i wanna cry again just thinking about it!!!!!! happy day (i know ill feel bad again soon but howdie following me is whats gonna keep me alive)

(june 11 2021, 2:01am) i think im going fucking nuts (lol). how many times have i said that.....!!!!! i want to make my own touhou fangame or fancomic.... my mind is messing with me so bad it feels like im on a minor dose of coke. i feel like i cant breathe but my head is heavy and..........ok i have a description for the feeling. ecstasy with a side of thrill? i feel like im dying so there is a side of like eroticism to it. (theme music: anime bitches sex as fuck.) lukas doesnt know how to feel or think right now! as robahata would say "im gonna blow away all my loneliness...with loads of sex!" except all i have is my computer, hands, and a tissue box so i dont think any loneliness will be blown away. i just want someone to hold me and love me! i hate that my sexual trauma made me hypersexual because to me 'love' is being touched like that. the only physical love ive been shown from non family members was just being touched by some creepy girls that are way older than me. and then my ex bf who held me lovingly but still sexually. so all the 'love' i know is just sexual. i dont know how to love in any other way, a relationship doesnt feel completely fulfilling without a sense of eroticism. i think having a pretty non sexual boyfriend now though, is helping me realize it. even though im just repressing everything now but ive always repressed everything so whats changed? i love my boyfriend but i feel too messed up for him. i dont feel like im a good enough partner because i still dont know how to love in a normal way. ive never loved in a normal way, i dont think i can be fixed lol! this is such a long entry but im feeling. imfeeling a lot. loads of depression with a side of horniness i guess! ill just get off by cutting myself again like i usually do because its fast and i deserve it so bad for being such a freak. i probably gotta see a shrink again but theres no way i could come at them with i guess ill just wait until im on my own. i wish i was normal with a normal life and normal thoughts and normal everything. so....god, help me! even though you dont exist and youre not up there, whatever thing im worshipping in my head which is probably an amalgamation of the people i admire and the people who have forever traumatized me, help me! to everyone ive ever met, please come and save me, because lukas isnt going to last much longer!

(june 9 2021, 1:39am) i love ranfren hitchhiker (both) so much i want him to cut off my head and use it as his own personal fleshlight (everything will get weirder from here on out. lukas is done containing and censoring himself)

(june 9 2021, 1:37am) cant wait for october because it will be my birthday, randal birthday, and reigen birthday all in the same week. if i still went by my middle name it would be the R name birthday week. also i share a birthday with randal so bow down to me lul

(june 1 2021, 4:33pm) i think art is pretty much all i have going for me in this lifetime, maybe even multiple lifetimes. in the generations of this soul, maybe it's always been destined for neetdom? i think i might start making music since it runs in my biological family. im not musically talented but in my head there are good ideas.

(may 23 2021, 9:28pm) this song is making me really sad idk why. sense of nostalgia probs, coz cowboy bebop was one of my first anime when i started taking that kinda stuff more srs... drastic change from the other shit ive been listening to lol... i wanna make a little animation for the comic i made this site for (why havent i even started the comic yet wtf is wrong with me) but its about the idea i have for the i guess ill save it for when i get to the end of the comic. i really gotta make it soon (the comic) but i need some words of encouragement...maybe those words will be summer break calling out to me, beckoning me to become a disgusting shut in once again and never see the light of day again until august. lots of work time there lol

(may 17 2021, 4:28pm) eating bar bee kyuu chisps. got a job interview tomorrow. wish me lucks

(may 14 2021, 10:03pm) i had my second covid shot and holy shiiiittt i feel so bad (after this sentence i passed out for a few hours lol). i vomited up last nights dinner at like 9 this morning after barely sleeping at all cause my body ached so bad... and my head hurt so bad too... i hate being sick cause my body is so weak lol. i had a fever dream about luther ranfren though (ill copy and paste from when i talked about it to a friend) it was me as a litle ball looking catman and luther was behind me saying "get well soon, get well soon, get well soon, get well soon" over and over again but then the little catman me started to get all crazy and spazzing out and then i woke up. im gonna draw it out sooner or later but god i am feeling like shit so bad ow ow ow i hate being sick. ive also been litseting to the same sweet trip album on repeat since yesrday and wow im going fucking balls i think...dreams and reality are merging in with each other and nothing seems really 'real' anymore, dreams just keep reflecting my traumas or are so weird i want to think theyre real because its better than 'reality'

(may 14 2021, 9:02am) i keep drawing so much lately i think this is my body pushing itself to its limits before shitting itself for good... or not, still gotta become 18 and do fun projects like making luther von ivory body pillow and save my parents the disappointment cause ill be all moved out by the time im....19? i hope i can be independent by then but i think i can because....! i applied @ 4 differnet jobs yesterday! 2 of them even already accepted me partially so im on a roll... about to have a source of income allllllll to myself and my sweet anime figures (and car insurance sadly...)

(may 10 2021, 9:31am) bear hat makes me feel like lain iwakura

(may 10 2021, 9:02am) wow, lots of entries are made on the mornings where i have my honors class...that im totally failing. gives us so much free time for nothen. i gotta pee so bad but im nervous to ask so im just gonna hold it in until class ends (fucking sucks)... i hope something exciting happens, i wanna play monkey ball but my 3ds is so dead. i wish i could be a true neet hikikomori, no school, no job, rotting away on my own... well, jobs nice so i guess i wouldnt be a 'neet' but i have the mindset so im not a complete poser. im just knid of rambling this morning, wanting to do anythig but this dammmnnnnneeeddd schooooollll woorrrkkkkk... if i ignore it enough, itll go away right? lol

(may 8 2021, 5:03pm) site related entry for once. big plans, big plans... im gonna work on a 'shrine' area, redo the front page, add some more fun places and probably have more oc/comic-related content since thats what i made the site for... cant wait, cant wait. this is gonna be my biggest project yet and its not gonna be great, but its gonna be my highest effort creation (i want it to have loads of things to do)

(may 6 2021, 9:05pm) i finished all of what there is of 'a girl on the shore' by inio asano. made me even more depressed than i have been but its a really good read... i feel bad, really bad, for relating to isobe a lot more than i think i should have. is it the sexual trauma, longing for love yet being so emotionally constipated, you go for something completely empty? i feel lonely even though im the one isolating myself. living suddenly got way harder than it already was. i think...for the rest of my life, once i get out of college, ill be a hikikomori. then, i can kill myself peacefully when i reach 30.

(may 2 2021, 4:28) i miss my friend sage and i want to be with them. i miss my brother too and thats the kicker because hes still WITH us in the world of the living but it doesnt feel like it. if i kill myself i wonder if these people will even feel bad. its ok actually, because if i die i definitely will be closer to sage. somehow (whats wrong with me)

(may 2 2021, 4:20am) its funny that i started this entry at 4:20 lol. up really late (obviously) and its making me think things. i dont even know what im thinking or feeling i just know that i AM you know.....?! everything i do and work on feels so meaningless and it is meaningless because im dead set on killing myself. i know its gonna happen and i know im gonna do it and its set in stone and its not gonna be stopped. and since my inevitable death is sooner than later it feels so pointless to even exist. like, i should just give up now you know. its so hard to even stay awake i just wanna sleep all day and do nothing and be nothing and its all so tiring. im not finding joy in anything anymore, not even being with my friends or doing things i like or talking to my boyfriend or anything. its all so boring and stale and nothings even happening. its just a repeat of events over and over and over... i dont want to live on like this. i dont want to live on at all

(apr 29 2021, 1:40pm) today was kind of cool...! i had a dream where i was playing solitaire on a reversi board with a completely pitch black person. like they were a silhouette of someone but idk who. i won even though i dont know how to play solitaire at all... so this morning i decided id try to learn. i think im getting ok at it! im trying to make the site look cooler so i might make some big changes to the main page sometime soon. when i get home ill probably try to play some more pso2... it plays like any and every other mmorpg, so i dont really get the hype. pso1 seemed more fun tbh.. i made my character look like my oc jophiel and named him "chef de jupiter" because my friend recommended it. maybe ill make some friends soon! i should get good real fast since the controls play like a kingdom hearts game (endless button mashing.....!!!)

(apr 27 2021, 8:46am) i keep trying to convince my friend that luther ranfren is attractive (hot, even) but she keeps saying he looks like lord farquaad...! you know who you are! luther IS a sexy beast and you dont know the wonders of being attracted to men who look over the age of 30.

(apr 25 2021, 3:52am) i bet if i was the main character of some anime people would be a lot more sympathetic towards me haha! my dad and stepmom had a big fight and my stepmom ended up banging on my door super super hard (so hard i could see the door bend!). i didnt even flinch im so used to it lol! my fear tolerance has gotten good... ever since i got the "whatever happens, happens" mindset ive been a lot less fearful! i could almost die and feel okay so this is loads of progress…

(apr 23 2021, 10:21pm) today is friday and my dad let me to go to our local discreplay so i could get some games. i ended up getting a few great titles! just three games... crazy taxi (gba port), super monkey ball 3d, and pinkie pies party (for my friend). they were all such a steal, the total was just $21 and some change which is nice. the cashier was so kind as well. i didnt have enough to pay fully in cash so i gave him my card and he said "oh ill need your id so i know the card is yours" so i pulled out my school id which has my real name and not my birth name on it. so i was about to explain, i said "oh the names are different because-" but he cut me off and said "i get it its cool" which was the best thing thats happened to me all day (that and an online friend got me a goodwill furby). shoutout to that cashier dude for being a true trans ally. makes me a little sad that he could tell but its ok because i havent even started t yet. soon......

(apr 21 2021, 8:22am) i've gotten my first covid shot yesterday and celebrated with wendys. idk if i feel sick because of allergies, fast food, or the shot. this morning was really nice; my friends had been waiting for me at the entrance of the school... they walked me to my class as well which made me really happy. i feel bad for not being good at expressing my appreciation for them but i really do love them...

(apr 20 2021, 2:16pm) so...yesterday i went skating with my friend and it was really fun and nice. we took some cute pictures and stuff...i got a blister on my foot though because i dont really use my feet that often and there was a giant piece of skin that i cut off (about 1cm long and a little thicker than a credit card). the friend said she wanted it so i gave it to her today as i passed her in the hallway (its in a plastic bag and sanitized so its okay). it feels nice giving pieces of me to people.

(apr 15 2021) we were asked what a dollar is, so we kind of analyzed it. to me, a dollar is just a little piece of paper with a one and a george washington that lets us buy things. a dollar can buy me a bag of sun chips from the downstairs vending machine. so i said that and then i asked a kid i am a little acquainted with what his favorite flavor was. he said "the orange kind" and i said "the cheese one?". he said he didnt know and i told him there are only three flavors; salsa, cheese, and the shit normal flavor. he said "ohh. the salsa one is good" as it should be because the salsa flavor is the best flavor.

(apr 15 2021) dream log #????? i dont have numbers one of the dreams i had last night was me doing some stuff i forgot and walking into a room where EVERYONE WAS GETTING THEIR BLOOD DRAWN........!!! (they were all strung up from the ceilings and having needles in their bodies) scary... i woke up from that once i started to feel the feeling of a needle in my arm... when i was awake i was still feeling the feeling...! my second dream was weird i was making some abstract portrait of some random girl in front of me.....she had pink skin (like bright pink) and very nice dreads. i was not good at painting her because i am not good at painting.

(apr 9 2021) its weird. i dont really get scared, or know im scared, until my body goes cold. we were in a tight traffic situation and i thought we were gonna get hit. but nothing about my expression changed except for my body getting cold. it was freaky.

(apr 8 2021)today all i did was fuck off. its a reward for all the fucking off i did yesterday. well, i skated yesterday for the first time in a long time so that was really exhausting thanks to my shit health conditions and lack of exercise.

(apr 8 2021)i had a dream last night where this one girl was beating me up and she took my glasses from my face and broke them. everything was blurry so all i could hear was the crunching of the lenses. it was scary.

(apr 4 2021) i think the first game i ever played in my life on my own game console was either super mario world on my gba, or super mario 64 on my ds lite. i was always a nintendo kid, and i guess my parents were too. they wouldnt let me have playstation games for some reason. so i went to my friends houses and played stuff there. i wish i couldve been introduced to parappa and kingdom hearts sooner, theyre really great games. soon, ill invest in a ps2 and get all the games i like, since im older now. the games i want the most are lsd dream emulator, both parappa games, and a dokodemo issho game. the gaming world is really magical and pretty. so many great games, so expensive too. i wonder if ill be able to even afford the rarer ones.

(apr 3 2021) *walking to the bathroom to take a shit, someone walks in right before i do. they go into a stall and i go into another. i stand there facing the door for a second. then leave* thinking to myself: i cant take a shit with someone else in here. *walking to a different bathroom. the hallway is long and so is the journey. i reach it and go in. its isolated. i lock myself in and sit my ass down.* thinking: finally, i can shit in peace. *the door starts to shake a lot, meaning someones waiting outside of it. disappointed*

(apr 2 2021)you know, girls just want to have a really deep song. something tells me they wanna escape misogyny and oppression and just have fun. which makes sense. misogyny still totally exists in our current day, people still saying that girls cant do so and so and whatever. like, let girls be gamers, mechanics, girlbosses. it should be no problem to let girls do traditionally masculine shit. im surprised this is still even an issue.

(apr 2 2021)i found a replacement for the rubber nub thing on one of my earbuds. i tried putting it in my unused ear and it barely fit. kinda felt like i took its virginity, maybe machine girl isnt the best choice to open up an unused ear.