lukas' internet diary of 2022



(march 25 2022, 1:04pm) i think there is a dude that might be targeting me a little at work lol. is been making me kind of paranoid lately... it has died down but i remember at one point they were trying to flirt with me and i was like 'haha... im still in high school, so maybe you should stop talking to me' and they said 'well i only JUST started college like a year ago so it cant be too bad' and i dont know whether or not i should report them lol. i havent seen them for a while so maybe they have given up already. i feel kind of guilty that i might be a magnet for those kinds of people cause i keep getting randomly approached lately. some dude grabbed my arm cause he keeps trying to be friends with me cause i was nice to him once... i usually wouldnt ignore someone for that but he has a reputation for being a creep lol... i hope summer comes soon so i can stay at home lol...

(march 10 2022, ) keep having super weird dreams. had 2 last night. first one, dad got some people mad and then he got shot down. i tried to run away and got shot down too, kind of weird. second one, i was getting beat up by my friend(?)s friend, then friend(?) came to save me and she was really nice to me. then i woke up and it hit me that she doesnt want to be with me anymore and the dream wasnt real and so that kind of made me depressed for the rest of the day. i wish i could sleep forever. stuff is too hard lately lol

(march 4 2022, 12:13pm) lately ive been waking up wishing i could just dream forever. reality is way worse than the things that happen in my dreams lol. i think the thing about dreaming is that nothing is real. none of my actions have any consequences. i can see people that i normally cant. i can see my dead friends. my boyfriend. i wish i could die in my sleep so i could dream forever. i dont get why people believe in manifesting because ive been wishing with my whole heart for me to have an accidental death and nothing has happened. things just keep getting worse right after i think theyre gonna get better. its all my fault in the end. i just wish i was allowed to kill myself lol. im actually kind of afraid to die, i dont want to die, but i dont want to keep living like this either. im not well in the head, and im not getting better. the only reason im still here is because i know the impact it would have if i did kill myself. its not anyones fault but i know people would still feel guilty. especially with how things have been going lol. i just need help. i wish someone would accept me for how i am and just hold my hand through it

(feb 22 2022, 9:28am) lol its 2.22.22 day... i want to become a better person but its hard when there's nobody here to help me. there's nobody to percieve me as a better person if i have nobody. i just want to have friends again

(feb 15 2021, 1:41pm) a stranger is dying somewhere

(feb 11 2021, 11:10am) hating everyone and being hated, and i just want to be alone but please dont leave me alone. circumstances are never right and i know nothing. why do i always initiate? and when i stop, nothing happens. everything feels so one sided and i feel like im so annoying. someone like that, and im on the same level as them. it feels like im even lower. and i keep going lower and lower and lower. and im as low as i can go lol. i hate that ive been held on by a thread that just wont snap. i want it to all end soon, or now. why do i care so much? i wish i could stop caring, but i dont want people to feel how i feel. why do i care so much when theyre the ones making me live this way, anyways? i wish i didnt care about anyone, and i wish these few people would just leave me. they have so many people to turn to and i have nobody else but them. and conveniently at the same time theyre all gone. my own world is trying to kick me out? why am i fighting lol. why am i still fighting it

(feb 10 2022, 2:44pm) why do i feel like this is the end lol... nothing in my world is going right. im surrounded by liars. the people i want to see are leaving. everyone is leaving me. whatever thing there is, or whatever coincidence keeps on happening, keeps taking everyone from me when i need them the most. i worry. i worry too much, about the people i care about. i cant help but cry. why am i crying so much? i cant even let it out completely because im in a room full of people. i hate all of these people. i hate everyone. i want to just say, "why is nobody helping me? why did everyone leave me? why am i being left alone?" i dont want to be alone. i want it to be like it was. just last semester, not even a year ago. i would do anything to go back to that. but im so powerless. im being replaced. i want to have fun like they are, i want to be loved as much as they are. and i want to ask, please, give me attention, please, dont leave me alone. why are you leaving me? why is everyone leaving me. and it just makes me want to die. and i keep imagining it, and it feels like im getting closer and closer. i cant hold on much longer and nobody is saving me. so why are the few people i love lying to me? because everyone is a liar. why do people say things they dont mean. stop telling me you want to be there for me when you wont even do it. why am i the only one? i just hate everyone. i dont want to be around anyone. i just want to go away. im losing my reasons to stay alive. im losing everything

(jan 17 2022, 8:47pm) the future is looking a little brighter. a little more hopeful. i gave myself my first testosterone injection today. im really excited. and, i get to reintegrate with society tomorrow, since my 5 day quarantine is over. i was out with covid, presumably got it from some fucking hick at work. im so glad im better now, and that i got nobody sick. i dont know why people are so irresponsible... well, im glad i finally have my t. giving myself the injection was easier than i thought. i can put the whole needle in without it hurting. thats awesome. im excited for what changes are ahead. i can finally sound like a 'real' man, i guess. since the way i present is becoming a little girly, im glad my voice will soon make up for it. not looking forward to more acne though. ugh...daily showers are incoming...

(jan 8 2022, 12:25am) i dont get how people can stand doing those teeth whitening strips. i have them in my mouth right now and it tastes so chemically and weird. and im drooling a lot. well bri just messaged me now, which is awesome because i missed her a lot. i miss everyone. its weird thinking at random times, 'oh, i really only have 3 friends'......uuuuu the strips are getting looser and its kind of a gooey feeling in my mouth that kind of burns. what? what? what? okay. well, goodnight

(january 7 2022, 10:03am) my skin is dry, my nails are too long, i keep crying too much, and im alone. "it was your choice to be like this" is what someone would probably say to me, i dont know. i dont think i can help being like this lol. i could probably pinpoint what happened to make me so depressed lately but nobody here except for my one friend rly knows whats going on. and i cant even say anything. it was such a small thing but the effects have just worsened what im feeling. i think finally giving up and giving in has made me more depressed than i was. and i dont know how to start trying again. i dont want to go to therapy, and i dont wanna get sent to a funny farm for trying to kill myself. i just wanna feel peaceful again, i want to be alone yet i just want someone to tell me they care about me. i think i should shut up now i think i should shut up because i dont know what is wrongwith me

(january 3 2022, ) it's the new year ~~~ well, reading the guestbook made me really happy. you guys are so nice lol. i had relapsed the other day and i was finding a reason to be a little happier. i want to do more with this site... cant summer come faster..... school is so stressful lol, i failed a couple finals and have to retake a class, its super tedious... well, i made a new netlog since its a new year, so, here's to 2022~!