lukas' internet diary of 2022
(sep 8 2022, 8:48pm) jesus fucking christ
(august 19 2022,) lately i've been regressing to my childhood things. i've also been morphing as a person. i know people are watching me on here, but i'll still say what i want. so, watch me then. what will you do, approach me? if you do, what will you even say? i think my best friends right now are chay and bri. everyone else is here but i know once i move away i'll lose contact with them. only my friends will know what im talkin about but azul tried to reach out to me again and had an epic fail i think. i'll do what she wants but only if she asks me. she suggested we sit together sometime but never said when or where, and she always avoids me when she sees me and i end up doing the same. i was so content with us just never talking again. i feel bad and dont wanna let the efforts go to waste but i also dont want to be the one to initiate everything anymore. i think the last bit is starting to apply everywhere. im not upset with my boyfriend at all but with myself, since i dont talk to him even when i want to. i call it laziness only cause thats the only word i can think of, but i really do want to, its just hard for some reason. i cant really talk to anyone naturally right now other than bri but shes been gone. i know its not her fault but i do still miss her a lot. i think its just the fact that i know she wont be there or that she isnt there. chay is always there and im also always there, i know his presence and i feel like thats enough for me. but bri doesnt really have a prescence so i get anxious.
i think im also just anxious cause sages birthday is in less than a couple hours. i hate that sage died and has a birthday in this month. they would be 20 this year. i feel bad because once this month comes i start to drift away. my boyfriends birthday was yesterday and i feel so bad for barely talking to him. i wish i could help it, but i've been too focused on myself for no reason. and i feel i've been busy too... school started, sage died, donovan died, and sage and chay share a birthday all in this one month.
i know im complaining a lot but i still have felt more content lately. i got rid of a few people. azul frightened me but i dont think she'll talk to me again. we're both scared. i hope she understands that i felt sick to my stomach when i saw her, and getting over that meant i had to change. and it meant i had to let go of her. i was so attached to her, because i loved her and thought she loved me too. this kind of love is not romantic at all, but i feel like i loved her in a special way different than my other friends. i thought i was special, and wanted to be special too, i really wanted to be special. and now im completely over that and her, and i am not mad at all, i hold no hard feelings. but, i also dont desire to be with her anymore. any attempt to be friends again would just die out. im moving. im gonna move away and become a new person again. im gonna go to college and meet these new people in my old home, and im gonna be the kind of person where theyll hopefully admire how i act and wanna be free too.
because really, im not what people might percieve me as. im not outgoing, im not rational, im not carefree, im not truly happy either. but i am becoming free, and im trying to reach my own personal freedom. all im doing is what i want to do, and i want people to do what they want too. but in the series of wanting, i feel people should respect each others wants and needs. if a want or need isnt harming anyone, as annoying as it is, as long as it makes them feel free they should do it.
doing what i want to doesnt make me extravagent or anything, wanting to achieve personal freedom shouldnt be a huge thing anyways. everyone is entitled to it. i want everyone to be free.
i've gone on for a super long time but i've also left a lot unsaid. if my small little brain can come up with all of this, if i can be such an individual and think my own things, i wanna hear what other people think too. everyones life is so intricate, and i want to hear it. my guestbook is always open for whatever you wanna say (my messages as well), and i check it every day so you wont be left unheard. its entirely anonymous too so you really can say whatever. even if its hateful, all i wanna see is what people are like or want to be like. i wanna see people do what they want
(august 9 2022, 8:09am) i got a new backpack yesterday and im able to hold so much more now its awesome. second week into my senior year and there are definitely feelings to be had lol. for the most part its ok but random things from the social life been stressful. i like this backpack i might attach an image of it later cause i put a lot of badass pins on it. im also able to hold snacks in it now so rn theres a big bag of sour patch kids. i would share them all with you if i could. also been playing neopets more lately, the username is neetsmegma idk how to link a profile
ok here is the backpack in question. its flipped around but i have a mob rubber keychain my mom got him for me cauz shes a boss. then theres red eyes black dragon, candy theme hk and then len as my keychains. u can barely see it but i also have a tiger furby keychain at the top its awesome and its mouth opens up. idk im just glad to have a cool backpack where i can put all my stuff on all cool
(july 16 2022, 3:27pm) i had to dig a hole and bury our cat yesterday. for some reason, wasnt as sad as i should have been. really was just focusing on digging the hole deep enough. i didnt want to pick up the cats body, not because it was sad but his underside was rotting and it was kind of gross. there's still a bad feeling though. theres a little bit of his cat hair still on my bed. then i woke up and watched porn for 2 hours as if it would make me feel something. things are weird, dont know why my brain is being so neutral to everything. death is weird
(march 10 2022, ) keep having super weird dreams. had 2 last night. first one, dad got some people mad and then he got shot down. i tried to run away and got shot down too, kind of weird. second one, i was getting beat up by my friend(?)s friend, then friend(?) came to save me and she was really nice to me. then i woke up and it hit me that she doesnt want to be with me anymore and the dream wasnt real and so that kind of made me depressed for the rest of the day. i wish i could sleep forever. stuff is too hard lately lol
(march 4 2022, 12:13pm) lately ive been waking up wishing i could just dream forever. reality is way worse than the things that happen in my dreams lol. i think the thing about dreaming is that nothing is real. none of my actions have any consequences. i can see people that i normally cant. i can see my dead friends. my boyfriend. i wish i could die in my sleep so i could dream forever. i dont get why people believe in manifesting because ive been wishing with my whole heart for me to have an accidental death and nothing has happened. things just keep getting worse right after i think theyre gonna get better. its all my fault in the end. i just wish i was allowed to kill myself lol. im actually kind of afraid to die, i dont want to die, but i dont want to keep living like this either. im not well in the head, and im not getting better. the only reason im still here is because i know the impact it would have if i did kill myself. its not anyones fault but i know people would still feel guilty. especially with how things have been going lol. i just need help. i wish someone would accept me for how i am and just hold my hand through it
(feb 22 2022, 9:28am) lol its 2.22.22 day... i want to become a better person but its hard when there's nobody here to help me. there's nobody to percieve me as a better person if i have nobody. i just want to have friends again
(feb 15 2021, 1:41pm) a stranger is dying somewhere
(feb 11 2021, 11:10am) hating everyone and being hated, and i just want to be alone but please dont leave me alone. circumstances are never right and i know nothing. why do i always initiate? and when i stop, nothing happens. everything feels so one sided and i feel like im so annoying. someone like that, and im on the same level as them. it feels like im even lower. and i keep going lower and lower and lower. and im as low as i can go lol. i hate that ive been held on by a thread that just wont snap. i want it to all end soon, or now. why do i care so much? i wish i could stop caring, but i dont want people to feel how i feel. why do i care so much when theyre the ones making me live this way, anyways? i wish i didnt care about anyone, and i wish these few people would just leave me. they have so many people to turn to and i have nobody else but them. and conveniently at the same time theyre all gone. my own world is trying to kick me out? why am i fighting lol. why am i still fighting it
(feb 10 2022, 2:44pm) why do i feel like this is the end lol... nothing in my world is going right. im surrounded by liars. the people i want to see are leaving. everyone is leaving me. whatever thing there is, or whatever coincidence keeps on happening, keeps taking everyone from me when i need them the most. i worry. i worry too much, about the people i care about. i cant help but cry. why am i crying so much? i cant even let it out completely because im in a room full of people. i hate all of these people. i hate everyone. i want to just say, "why is nobody helping me? why did everyone leave me? why am i being left alone?" i dont want to be alone. i want it to be like it was. just last semester, not even a year ago. i would do anything to go back to that. but im so powerless. im being replaced. i want to have fun like they are, i want to be loved as much as they are. and i want to ask, please, give me attention, please, dont leave me alone. why are you leaving me? why is everyone leaving me. and it just makes me want to die. and i keep imagining it, and it feels like im getting closer and closer. i cant hold on much longer and nobody is saving me. so why are the few people i love lying to me? because everyone is a liar. why do people say things they dont mean. stop telling me you want to be there for me when you wont even do it. why am i the only one? i just hate everyone. i dont want to be around anyone. i just want to go away. im losing my reasons to stay alive. im losing everything
(jan 17 2022, 8:47pm) the future is looking a little brighter. a little more hopeful. i gave myself my first testosterone injection today. im really excited. and, i get to reintegrate with society tomorrow, since my 5 day quarantine is over. i was out with covid, presumably got it from some fucking hick at work. im so glad im better now, and that i got nobody sick. i dont know why people are so irresponsible... well, im glad i finally have my t. giving myself the injection was easier than i thought. i can put the whole needle in without it hurting. thats awesome. im excited for what changes are ahead. i can finally sound like a 'real' man, i guess. since the way i present is becoming a little girly, im glad my voice will soon make up for it. not looking forward to more acne though. ugh...daily showers are incoming...
(jan 8 2022, 12:25am) i dont get how people can stand doing those teeth whitening strips. i have them in my mouth right now and it tastes so chemically and weird. and im drooling a lot. well bri just messaged me now, which is awesome because i missed her a lot. i miss everyone. its weird thinking at random times, 'oh, i really only have 3 friends'......uuuuu the strips are getting looser and its kind of a gooey feeling in my mouth that kind of burns. what? what? what? okay. well, goodnight
(january 7 2022, 10:03am) my skin is dry, my nails are too long, i keep crying too much, and im alone. "it was your choice to be like this" is what someone would probably say to me, i dont know. i dont think i can help being like this lol. i could probably pinpoint what happened to make me so depressed lately but nobody here except for my one friend rly knows whats going on. and i cant even say anything. it was such a small thing but the effects have just worsened what im feeling. i think finally giving up and giving in has made me more depressed than i was. and i dont know how to start trying again. i dont want to go to therapy, and i dont wanna get sent to a funny farm for trying to kill myself. i just wanna feel peaceful again, i want to be alone yet i just want someone to tell me they care about me. i think i should shut up now i think i should shut up because i dont know what is wrongwith me
(january 3 2022, ) it's the new year ~~~ well, reading the guestbook made me really happy. you guys are so nice lol. i had relapsed the other day and i was finding a reason to be a little happier. i want to do more with this site... cant summer come faster..... school is so stressful lol, i failed a couple finals and have to retake a class, its super tedious... well, i made a new netlog since its a new year, so, here's to 2022~!